Are you shouldn’t me?

Expectations. They can be a good or a bad thing. It is healthy to have expectations of yourself and for people. Maybe not for people just in general, because I do feel that most of society will let you down. But with friends, family, and co workers it is good to have some level of expectation. With that said, I know I am guilty of having too high of expectations. Even of myself. I have recently been introduced to a term, “shouldn’t yourself” And I do that often. And I do it to others.

So what does this shouldn’t yourself mean? It is when you have an expectation of what you should do. So instead of watching TV I should be folding laundry. I should be vacuuming. I should call my friends. I should make dinner. I should save more money. I should have a cleaner house. I should be a better person. I should blah blah blah. In the process of learning about this term I found out that you should never really do anything because of guilt. Every thing that you do should be done because you want to. I know that I have spent many years of my life in guilt. My go to saying for almost every situation in my life is “I feel bad” I feel bad about what ever decision I finally decide on. I don’t like thinking that my decisions have caused anyone any problems. So I guilt myself into getting things done.

Then comes the problems with shouldn’t your loved ones. I know that I do this particularly to my husband and to the kids. Well Matt should have gotten that done. Matt should know I need help. He should know to pick up the dirty clothes. He should want to help me. He should be doing x,y, and z instead of what he is doing. And then the kids….. they should know not to throw clothes on the ground. They should know not to hit each other. They should know how to behave at all times. They should want to be nice to each other. They should want to have clean rooms. They should be able to figure out that homework. They should know how to read. They should know how to do fractions. They should be potty trained. They should remember what I told them yesterday. So what is the big deal about shouldn’t your family? Well first off, majority of the time they don’t know what I think they should do. I haven’t really expressed everything I am expecting. So here I am having the bar raised and they are unaware they need to reach it. Then I get mad, disappointed, and aggravated. And sometimes I express these feelings and sometimes I just hold them in until I explode over something so trivial they look at me like I am crazy.

An example of these expectations here recently is I let the trash can in the bathroom overflow. It was running over. There were tissues, q-tips, wrappers, toilet paper rolls, and whatever else strewn about the floor around the trashcan. So I thought, well someone in this house “should” see the trash is full and they “should” empty it and they “should” pick up all of the trash around the can. Well I waited and waited. Three or four days passed and nothing. In fact, they just continued to throw stuff on the heaping pile. Finally, I could take no more. So I picked it up, emptied it, and returned the can back to the bathroom. And to top it off, they didn’t even notice!! Well…..they heard about it. Everyone of them. I explained how I couldn’t believe they saw all of the trash and continued to throw stuff into it. How they didn’t care enough to pick up the trash and if it wasn’t for me we would live in a pig sty. After blank stares the common reply was, “well I didn’t know you wanted me to or I would have.” And since I am still trying to improve in this area, my first response {wanted to be} was “Should I have to tell you? Do you not care enough about this house or me to just help and do it with out asking. Are you blind?” Then I realized I had shouldn’t my family. I had expectations that they weren’t aware of. I allowed the bar to rise and then took it personally when they didn’t reach it.

So I am really trying to realize that people not reaching the expectations I have set for them isn’t a reflection of their love for me. And I don’t want to make my husband and kids do things only out of guilt for me. I really want them to want to help. And with some of the situations, they really just aren’t capable of reaching the bar I have set for them. I expect way too much sometimes, especially from the kids. I can’t hold all of the kids on the same levels when mentally, emotionally, and cognitively they are not on the same level. It is unfair of me to expect so much when maybe they are giving me the best they have. I need to stop feeling guilty for the decisions I make and stop making people feel bad for the decisions they make. So I am going to try really hard to stop shouldn’t myself and my family.

blah blah.

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