No is a blessing sometimes

I am struggling. Really struggling. I feel like I have made peace with the decision, then something comes out of the blue and shakes my peace. I start all over again, struggling to make the decision that is expected. I have a time limit on this decision, as do most. I only have a couple months to reach a decision that is going to affect several people for the rest of our lives. We aren’t talking about what to cook for dinner or even what job to take. We are talking about making the decision to make children a forever part of our family. This is tough.

I never thought going in to foster care that this would be an issue. I had always just assumed that we would foster, kids would be reunited and go back home or they would stay with us forever. I was naïve. I guess I hadn’t taken into account that you can’t adopt every child that is placed with you. I just never thought I would be a person who could have children living with her for several months and then decide not to adopt them. That literally never entered my mind. It still seems inconceivable. What kind of a person has children in her home (that she has fallen in love with) and opt to have them not become permanent family members? In my mind that is a terrible person. That is an insensitive person. That person is me.

We have made the decision to not adopt the children who have been with us for 9 months. And of course this is all dependent on if that is even what the court rules. But given the court rules for them to be adoptable we have chosen to not be that family. And believe me this was a hard decision. Probably the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life up to this point. There are really no excuses, just the reasoning that I have come to accept. First and foremost, I don’t feel like this is what God is placing on my heart. We don’t know that it is the best fit for all involved. We feel like there is more for us to do as a foster family, and if we adopt we will no longer be able to foster, because we are at our limit. We feel like everyone would benefit in the long run if the kids were placed in another home. But as I type that sentence my heart skips a beat. I get sick feeling. I feel panicked. What will I do with out these kids here? What will I do when I don’t hear their laughter? What will I do when I am packing them up? I will cry. I will grieve. I will doubt my decision. I will dislike myself. I will dislike the system. I will dislike their situation that has made them foster kids. I will dislike every aspect of this decision.

And only time will tell if we made the right decision. And only God knows why we had to make such tough decisions and what lies ahead for us and the kids. And every day will be a struggle. I will have good and bad days. I will beat myself up. I will be angry and sad. But I will also remember the words a dear friend spoke to me when I was talking to her about the struggle I was having. She said, “our daughter was a no to another family. They had the option to adopt her and they said no. Their no was our blessing. If they had said yes, I wouldn’t be a mom right now. Your no may be someone else’s blessing.” And that is what I am going to walk away with. That is the little bit of goodness that I will take from this. And God has all of this worked out for the greater good. And my no will be someone else’s blessing.

***** Since initially writing this post the kids have been baptized and saved. At the times I was struggling and would talk to God and wait for a response, I did hear his still small voice. I heard that even though we may not secure the kids a forever home here with us, we (God) have secured them a forever home in Heaven. We will see them again.*****

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